November 11th 1998 [2]

Who can read the future?
What pleasures await?
What sorrows?
I've fallen into unreality
Pursuing my conceptual future
Chasing my conceptual dreams
In love with my conceptual bride

I need to find someone with a hammer
Beg them to take that conceptual hammer
Smash this conceptual world
Free me from this conceptual prison
What if reality is worse?
What if reality is better?
Who can wield a conceptual hammer?

Only someone as lost as myself.

November 11th 1998 [3]

I can't see as far
While on my knees
Farther from heaven
While on my knees

Take my hands
Lift me from this
Position of mourning
Smile for me
Bright eyes
You are my heaven
My conceptual lover

October 29, 1998

It is midnight… i should be sleeping- but i'm not. how can i sleep in this enclosed frame when the stars burn so brightly in the black night-sky? the chill wind of autumn- call me from my sleep to fly up into the heavens, awash with light from the moon and supported by the wings of angels and devils alike… if only my mind was as clear and calm as this black sky. if only i knew what lay beyond this translucent dome- this prison world. my prison mind- i'm the only one held captive here… everyone else can't bear it. they end up slitting their own throats before reconciling themselves to my ideal. sometimes they are even consumed by it before thoughts of suicide even enter their minds… god, if only i could find a way to spare them. to let them know why and how and for what lofty purpose i envision this shining thing- this crown, bright gem i offer. they hardly pay it any mind. within hours they are all dead- either by their own hand or by my nature. my burning nature. i'm on fire within my head and it's getting too damn hot even for me. maybe i can find some cool watery spirit that can teach me and feed me and just keep me for awhile… it's getting late. when did it get so late? i've been dead for too long. how overjoyed i was to see flesh where for months there was only bone and shade… and for it to be me! not me as i lay dead in the pit- but me as i was. growing back into myself- my face over these bones, my hair hanging from this skull, even my eyes are getting to be as they were! how exciting! i never thought such a resurrection to be possible… in my weakened state of death i could see nothing- never mind imagine such beauty restored. maybe i am stronger now? maybe i'll never have to die again? or maybe i've only awakened to find myself in purgatory or some limbo? how is it that people continue to dream when their dreams are never realized in the manner they envision them? why must i expect this or that and not simply wait for the surprise? i love surprises… and it has been so long since i've been so surprised . . .

Overcome, I Lie

The sun had set with such fire. The neon glow of the moon made her seem like a spirit dancing through the trees. Captured by her eyes- enraptured by her sighs, he joined her within the tangle of wood.

"You will never leave me." The words felt so sure to him.
"Hold me. Hold me tight to your chest so that I may pass into death through the splendor of your love." This, she pleaded.
He held her close and before long had fallen into sleep.
When he awoke, he found that she had fled during the night, leaving her cold stiff body as a reminder.

"She was the only one," he thought to himself, "The only one I could ever truly love."
He crumpled onto her stony form and placing a kiss to her lifeless cheek began to weep.
And so did all the angels of Heaven.

There Are No Surprises Left

there are no surprises left
everything has fallen into it's place
and i'm left here with nothing in my arms
nothing but fantasies of memories
of the things that would have been
the sun-filled days that i spend in isolation
are so dark compared with these visions of you

and when i go to sleep at night
and dream such tenderness
i wish myself never to awaken-
wish myself unto death if necessary
give up everything i'll ever have
to retain this vision of you

and then i wake-
jilted back to my sorrowful reality
and another day of mourning
lies outstretched before me…